So…

May 9, 2012 in Daily Life

I hate when I’ve gone so long without updating this.  This is my personal chronicle.  My way of keeping my head straight and my memories intact.  I have a glorious memory, one that is almost photographic… but my fractured and damaged psyche makes it difficult to recall them.  Sometimes things get locked away that have no business disappearing from my conscious mind.  It happens and I hate it.

When I don’t write, it’s usually because my mind is in more chaos than usual.  I hate it.  My eyes hurt and my body feels worn, though I’ve hardly done anything at all.  I want to write about Nikita and how my mother had to put her down on Friday.  How she called me just as I was preparing for work and how when I heard the words… I felt numb.  Well and truly numb.  I’ve never… I haven’t experienced anything like that and recalling it makes me feel sick somehow.  I don’t know why.  I broke down a minute later, crying so hard that all that came out were muffled squeaks as I attempted to breathe through it.  I’m strong, though.  I had my cry and then I remembered her and everything she had done for me.

People don’t respect animals, they don’t respect their pets.  They mistreat them and ignore them when they live and then mourn them ineffectually when they’ve gone.  I’ve lost many animals, many furry friends, and I’ll continue to do so.  I know that I will outlive them, but the things they give me, the lessons they teach me, those are forever.  Nikita was part of my saving grace as a fool-hardy youth and I will never forget how she calmed and loved me when I felt like no one did.  She was a wonderful cat and while I miss her, I do not begrudge her death.  It is a reminder that I need to appreciate and cherish people and pets while they are here instead of always thinking I’ll have more time.

My mother-in-law, who believes in the supernatural, told me she would haunt like their cats did.  I told her no, she would not.  She lived a happy life and she was loved.  I would not hold on to her like they hold on to theirs.  It’s just the way I am.  I’ll talk about her and remember her and maybe sometimes I’ll cry, but I’ll never hold on to her like she’s still here.  She’s not.  I’ve dealt with death since an early age and I’ve always had this strange… I don’t know how to say it, but I accept it.  It is what it is.  It hurts, and it rips at you… but it is inevitable.  Ignoring or wishing away the inevitable is folly.  In my life, nothing has ever really left me until I’m ready for it to.  I may not realize that I’m ready, but when I look back later, I realize that I was.  It’s symbolic, in a way.

I want to talk more about her, but I can’t.  My brain can’t focus on anything.  It’s fuzzy.  I’ve been absorbing books like one breathes air because it’s easier than thinking.  Sometimes, I wish someone had better prepared my husband.  Sometimes, I wish I had never married him at all.  I’m not supposed to be married, I’m supposed to be on my own, doing my own thing, not held down by an archaic tradition that forces me to take on both my own issues and his, as well.

It’s a selfish thing to say, but my brain… it hurts.  I am tired.  I’m always tired, but I’m mentally exhausted.  I feel like all the things I’ve loved have been ripped away or stolen from me in some way or another.  This isn’t a justified accusation to make–anything that’s been done has been allowed by me.  Still, in these hours where I feel so beaten down I can barely continue, I feel angry and I think these things.  I need to find something to channel all this chaos in my head before I make a mess.  I can’t handle everything.  I’m strong, but I’m not that strong.  Still, it’s the role I take, the one I fit into so easily.  No one has to worry, because I’ll take care of it.  I hate it.  Why can’t anyone else do it?  Why am I always shouldering the burden?

Maybe I want some time to be angry.  Maybe I deserve the right to be angry.  I don’t even know anymore.  I am losing pieces of myself to the big, thick mask I’ve begun to assemble.  It’s a dangerous practice.  I can’t disconnect or I’ll have problems… again.  I’m always remote, I’m always just barely out of reach, but now?  The gap is getting wider and I’m losing my ability to discern real from fake.  I’m getting lost along the way again.

The husband is zero help at all.  He has about as much introspection as a dim cave.  He’s smart… brilliant, even, but stupid.  So very, very stupid and simple.  Sometimes, I feel like I married a text book.  I defend him, but sometimes, I wonder if what I’m defending even exists.

Blegh.  I’ll write more when my thoughts are sorted.  I’m going to look back on this and shake my head.  That’s the point.  To chart my progress, to face my downfalls and my happy moments.  To dissect everything and learn how to continue… God knows I don’t operate like normal people.  I wish I did.  I hate this.  I don’t like teetering the crazy line.

Christmas is officially over for another year.  This makes me sad, because this is kind of my favorite time of year.  It never goes the way we plan and there’s always a disaster of some kind… but I still enjoy it.  I like the decorations and everything.  It reminds me of family and of times and traditions and my family… the way it was, not the way it is now.  I think that makes it even more important, the fact that so much has changed since then.

We do rotational holidays, so this year it was with my husband’s family.  Thankfully, they all decided to do something together for once.  We met up at my husband’s aunt’s house and she cooked a feast for us.  His maternal family gathered together and we all had a nice meal.  It was pretty much the same as how I remembered it when I first went with him so many years ago.  The last Christmas we had with his family was a disaster… no one did anything at all and it was a complete waste.  I’m glad this year was not the same, or I was going to say we re-think the rotational holiday deal.

We decided on rotational holidays when we were dating.  My family is extremely important to me and if possible, I’d spend every single holiday with them.  Unfortunately, they are over six hours away from me.  So, once I moved down here, we decided to split up the holidays.  It was the most fair situation we could think of.  It makes me depressed and sad, because his family doesn’t really have the warmth and togetherness of my family… but I know he enjoys seeing his family.  It’s important to him and so we do it.  Each family is different.  I have to remind myself of that every single time… not that it’s a bad thing, but for me… holidays are big tables filled with family and being served on my grandma’s favorite dinner set.  Paper plates and a buffet, random people eating at random time with no prayer beforehand is not really something I am accustomed to.

Either way, it was a nice but tiring day.  We went to his aunt’s and then afterwards, we went to his paternal grandparents and spent some time with them.  They were actually acting pretty civil and were friendly, so it was nice.  We didn’t get home until around nine and then his parents left shortly afterwards.

We were tired because we were up super early on Christmas Eve working and then we went to bed and woke up around 8am because his parents said they’d come pick us up around 9:30-10:00… which did not happen.  They didn’t arrive until past 11:00 and my husband was pissed.  So, we got to his aunt’s late and then we got to his other grandparents an hour late.  I think my husband has gotten too used to my punctuality to deal with his parents’ inability to be on time, ever.  It’s the same thing with my parents.  Ir sucks and it’s annoying, but I plan for it now whereas my husband seems to be perpetually disappointed by their lateness.

Even though it was a good Christmas and even though we got some of our money issues sorted out, it didn’t feel like Christmas at all.  Part of it is because I am an adult now and part of it is also because of everything that’s changed.  What I associated with Christmas is pretty much gone.  I don’t think I’ll feel the magic of Christmas again unless I have children.  It’s a sad, sobering thought.

In regards to money issues, we’ve been working so much that we’ve barely spent any time at all together.  We also got generous gifts from each side of our family, which we are eternally grateful for.  Unfortunately, us being stretched thin caused an epic argument right before bed on Christmas Eve, which caused us to barely get any sleep at all.  It was one of those venting types of arguments that serves no purpose other than for two people to let out what they feel and finally be relieved of the pressure building inside.  It was a healthy release.

I’ll be glad to be cutting back on hours, though.  It sounds silly to say, but I’m being burnt at both ends between working and having to attend raids on the MMO we play.  I kind of want to quit, but it has become an obligation and I’m not entirely ready to let the people I play with down yet.  I’m burnt out, though.  I’m fully an adult, I got all my MMO “craziness” out of me when I was a teen.  I don’t really have the time or the mindset for it to be cutting into the time I spend with my husband or trying to run errands anymore.  I’d rather just play games that don’t have social or time-sensitive restrictions and obligations.

There’s also a high chance I’ve caught a cold somewhere.  I woke up with a seriously raw throat and I’ve felt rather down all day.  It sucks.  It seems like a New Year can’t pass where I’m sick.  I worked last year and I’m working this year, too, so I hope I feel better damn soon.  The coughing and resting sucks…

Way Too Fast!

December 13, 2011 Daily Life

I haven’t been updating for a multitude of reasons… most of them involving some form of being too busy and another form of I just can’t seem to string together coherent thoughts for more than five minutes at a time.  This is my personal catalog to look back on, so it really makes me feel [...]

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Double Vision

October 18, 2011 Daily Life

Argh, I updated wordpress and now it’s limiting my picture uploads to like, 2MB… which is just stupid.  I haven’t figured out a way to change it yet.  Frustrating.  So, I’m using photobucket, which means an unreliable photo quality… woohoo. I went home for a week October 1st to the 10th.  That was great.  I [...]

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Slowly, but Surely

September 26, 2011 Daily Life
Thumbnail image for Slowly, but Surely

Things are mostly back to normal.  I’ve been feeling fine for a week or so now, so that’s definitely an improvement.  I had been sick for almost a month and I lost quite a bit of weight… which I won’t be complaining about any time soon!  I’m happy to be feeling well again, though.  Spending [...]

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